Monday, September 08, 2014
Thursday, September 04, 2014
Wednesday, August 06, 2014
I try and not do that very often, feel sorry for myself, wallow in self pity, or even think I have a rough/hard life because I know I have a good life, despite a few problems, some pain issues, too much debt load, old house needing a lot of work and money.
I have a good employer and good supervisors to work under, good co-workers to work with, a very short drive to work, a scooter that is paid for and in good shape and gets great gas milage for that short ride to work. A lot more things to be thankful for and to appreciate but there are still times I feel sorry for myself.
And envy, ya, that green eyed monster stuff shows up now and then too. But then I remind myself that I might not have gotten that cute bjd (ball jointed doll)that she got recently but I do have central air that works and a great unit up in the attic that makes a huge difference up stairs and I do most of my own home repairs.
The landing framed up well, my sons were good help but I was the one who had it planned out and made sure it was done and done right, and I will get the needed step built this coming weekend, and the decking will go on next weekend.
So, I can't afford to go to the 40th year class reunion this month, I can get by in life without going, and so, I have not done as well with my life as some of those I graduated with. I can live with that, with the choices I made and the mistakes I have made and had to deal with.
The flax I planted at Clayville.org did well this first year and now is field retting, I ripped it last weekend, which means I removed the seed pods and I am slowly cleaning them, along with leaves and dirt, hopefully I will get it all sifted out by the end of this coming weekend and have some mature seed to mix with what I will buy next spring for re-planting.
I did get a pair of mittens done and the next pair started and have a lot of yarn to enjoy, stockings I am knitting for my 1820's clothing for Clayville and a sweater started I need to find time to work on, and bobbin lace to play with.
My life is pretty good, our weather has been cooler this summer so that has helped things grow with little watering and my grape vine put out it's first grapes this year, concord, not enough for much but eating but they are picked and Jake will help me get them eaten.
Ben managed to loose a key off the keyboard for my Nexus 7, I am not happy about that, but Ben is the kid that looses keys and it is not the first time a keyboard has lost keys with his help. I doubt if it is ever found, if it hit the floor and the foolish dog found it, he chewed it up.
So, I can whine about that or I can be glad I have my iPad and my Nexus 7 and all the other goodies I enjoy, even the ones that don't get used very often.
The company picnic is at Knight's Action Park and I signed up 4 guests and plan to take Ben, Jake, Darcy and maybe Larry. But I want 2 vehicles so I can leave the kids to play and escape when it suits me. So, another thing to appreciate in my little life, the perks that come with where I work, paid vacations, paid play, and ok paychecks.
I dream about what I would do with lottery money but know it would create a mess and lots of problems, fun day dreams while working a labor job but it is only day dreams, not reality and I can get by with what I earn. But funds to pay off the debt load, and to contract out work here and get this house done, like I dream of having it sounds good any day. Little by little I am making improvements, and I accept the reality that I might never have this house finished before I die. Discouraging thoughts but very possibly the real future here.
In the meantime, I keep working on things, and enjoying living here and liking my life, and work on not feeling sorry for myself when I know how good my life really is.
Friday, August 01, 2014
Thursday, July 17, 2014
We are running short days, and had 2 short weeks before this so paychecks are smaller and my budget is tighter, translates to not starting the landing from kitchen door to patio yet. But I have hopes for Jake's rent money, minus what will pay my 1/2 of our vehicle insurance going to landing materials.
But cooler temps do mean less power consumed by the air conditioning here. So, count my blessing where I find them. And I had the house to myself, with parrots and dog, for most of last week. Jake and Ben left Tuesday evening for MO and to be with their dad while arrangements were made for their step mother's viewing/visitation and so forth.
Her stroke in early February was bad and then in early June developed heart issues from colony of staph bacteria on her heart valve. About a month of slowly dying in the hospital and then home for a day before she passed away.
I need to get paperwork done so NO One tries to keep my body alive and my soul in a prison instead of letting me go once I no longer have quality of life. For me, the body is just a 1 time use house for my soul, and hanging on, trying to keep that house alive after quality is gone is wrong. Every one can do what works for them but I want no hanging on to a dying body, no stone or services, scatter the ashes and let what I did and gave and shared, taught be what is left behind.
My living is what matters, and what I do with each day, who I am and how I live, how I believe, and live those beliefs, not the body my soul lives in. That is just temporary housing for this time, not forever.
But I do understand Sam not wanting to loose his wife, James, not wanting to loose his mother. And I do understand my sons rejoicing that a woman who hated them and their mother being gone.
Life here keeps working at my pace, and as solitary as I can keep it. I have found peace and balance, value and contentment, it took a very long time but I won't be letting it go or letting anyone make many waves in my little quiet life.
And the old house, my creativity and Clayville are high on that list for my time that is not taken up by earning a living. I don't want to go camping and I don't want to sit and watch tv and idiot commercials. I don't need gossipy people in my life, nor do I want to cater to any one else.
This work for me, this Cargill day shift and being involved with a local historical area and the group that supports it. My sewing, knitting and dolls, my learning to do bobbin lace, my old house and the tiny bit of sand it sits on. Time to ride the bike and time to pull weeds, play with my grill and my other entertainments.
Sunday, June 29, 2014
Well, I don't seem to be doing well trying to use my Nexus and the fancy case with keyboard. but I finally figured out the app, and know where the blog post goes.
All our rains are really helping things grow and stay green this year. Including all the weeds, both at Clayville and here. I put some time in there yesterday and today I will get the mowing finished and work on all the grass in the front flower beds.
I came home to a quiet house yesterday and managed to find enough charcoal to use the new Kamado grill I bought Thursday. I started looking at grills in January, when I knew I could finally get the patio pour done. Now I need to get the landing planned out, materials bought and work on replacing the kitchen door.
My bag of lump charcoal never got out of Jake's jeep so was gone. But I had some briquets sitting in a bag, that had been in the way but never tossed into the trash here and so used them. The potatoes were good, I split them and put in butter and chives before wrapping them in foil, the pork loin chops got a bit over done but that is better than not cooked. It will take some time to learn how to use this new grill but I am going to enjoy having it.
And a quiet house allowed me to finally finish the bobbin lace bookmark I had started. Then I made the pricking/pattern for the next one I want to work with. Each of them helps me learn the skills for bobbin lace, step at a time.
I need to do some sewing, caps and bonnet for Clayville.org and some sewing cases, needle books and a 2nd case for lace bobbins as I now have 2 sizes and too many for the case I made.
I had 3 weeks up at the head line, the last 2 spent on the job I bid for but I was not able to qualify so will be going back to the dressing line and the pigs to shave and pull toe nails. I liked the job but it is much harder on my hands than what I was doing, but not as physically tiring. It will be 6 months before I can bid again, but I don't own any jobs on the dressing line so they can move me about and train me on other jobs. The crew missed me, as did the bosses so they will all be glad to see me back and a few will miss me where I was the past few weeks.
It made me feel like I had failed and my Saturday started blue but I sorted out the head problem. The Rebel got the needed oil change and we went off to Clayville for a while, on to Springfield for cheaper gas, a stop at Lowes for some grill things, did not find the cover for my grill or the smoking stone thing. A stop at a beautiful Queen Anne Victorian I have admired for years, they have a train shop in the basement and it was open, and very slow day so I got to chat and visit with the man tending shop, the gardens are as beautiful as the house and next Sunday they plan to run the outside trains, weather permitting.
I have plans to be at Clayville for our 3 day weekend so if the weather allows, I should be able to run up there for a couple hours Sunday afternoon, it is only a few miles and with the Rebel, it is easy on gas and doesn't take much effort to find a place to park.
I think Sam is still living down in the cardiac ICU family waiting room, Cynthia has more brain damage, her liver and kidneys are not working well, I have not heard how much damage the lack of oxygen has caused to fingers and feet, but loss of digits was expected. And the debate still goes on about taking her remains, after she dies, back to the Philippines for burial, with Sam, when upset, calling Jake and having him upset.
I do understand how very hard this is on Sam, his wife is dying by inches, there is nothing he can do to make her better, the stroke this winter, the staph infection on her artificial heart valve, the whole list of medical stuff, it is done, it cannot be reversed and it is not his fault, it is NOT my fault, and she is only 50, and their son is 14. And it is Jake's dad and they are close. I am not jealous, Sam has gone far to make this marriage work, he did not with ours and he would not compromise, it was his way or I could get out. I worked hard to make it work his way, to be happy with his way but I could not even have my own political or religious views or different opinion on anything.
Ok, so we know I had them, and tucked them away, and more and more of the person I really am was tucked away and hidden, locked down so it would not be verbally and emotionally beat down. And I supported his way of life and his choices, even when I had doubts. I showed no backbone and chose to be his door mat. So, when he needed a strong partner to lean on, he had not confidence in me, and no belief in my abilities to make good choices, and he moved us to Missouri, making that choice for all of us and hated it there and blamed me every day for his choice to me miserable.
I got over feeling like I failed, and I worked hard, with plenty of mistakes, on rebuilding my belief in my self and in liking my life. And I wanted his remarriage to work well and to be happy for both of them. In part, so I could feel I was free of the prison I let him build around me. So, his 2nd marriage financially broke the ranching operation, had them moving to her home country, that project failed, she came back and then Jake lent his father $ so Sam and James could fly back to the states.
So, now she is unable to work, Sam is 68 and they share a home with her other son, his woman and their child and after Cynthia dies, Sam has no idea if he and James still have a place to live, her son is part of the push to bury his mother in her home country but he is not going to help foot that bill.
And I think my life is a mess because I could not qualify on a job that would probably have me with far more damage to my hands, far more pain and what was I thinking? I will go play with the pigs, enjoy the pals that are very glad to have me back, torment the supervisor, I think he should reward/bribe/console me with coupons for free Blizzard's at Dairy Queen. And I make him laugh, he does appreciate me, which the supervisor over trimming snouts does not. I am too old, the wrong color, and so forth. Which is fine with me, really, I had no problems with the supervisor but he didn't value me, and I was not able to do my share and then some, which he needed. I might have in time, but he did not have to give me another week or 2, which he could have, if he wanted to keep me in his department.
There is plenty of flex for supervisors to keep someone they want, regardless of job skills, after over 11 years there, most of it in production, I know how the game is played, and I am ok with going back to the other end, start a bit earlier, laugh more, and like life as well or better.
And I did not trade my big tv that I won for the new grill, so it is still in the closet. Menard's put the grill I wanted on sale, and I have waited a month for the man at work to buy my grill choice and trade it for the tv, a very good deal for him but he didn't get it done and once grills sell out, very few will be available and I wanted the Akorn Kamado grill, and the model with the inner upper rack. So, yes, I added to my credit debt, and went to town with Jake, Ben and the girlfriend, was up way too late, had too much caffeine, made my digestive system unhappy and still have no working kitchen door or step down to that patio.
But my scooter has the new air filter, an oil change and is back to being my ride to work, the Rebel has an oil change and still lifts my spirits and helps blow away my blues, the old house is still my favorite place to live, the attic is still my dream in progress but working well for me and this life is so good, rough spots included.
I feel sympathy for Sam and his dying wife but know it is not my doing, not choices I forced on them, and not my job to try and fix. I did get Jake the paperwork for getting a passport, but it will be up to Jake to get that photo taken and go to some place for the next step. And he can do it in Rushville or Virginia so it is not like he has to go far, and he can pay $60 extra to have it expedited, but that is his choice. Jake is not wanting to spend his money to go with his dad to bury a woman that boy still hates. But he is better about it than Ben, who has yet to forgive his dad for letting that woman shove him out of that house, and for letting that woman abuse him.
And I quit having issues with her when my sons were out of her reach, and once I moved to Illinois, life for me got a lot better in many ways. I missed being with the boys, but was back in MO most weekends for several years, and they grew up, with Ben moving to IL and Jake graduating and then joining the Marines. Now, I have both those boys in this house and pray for quiet and Ben to go back up to Rushville and Jake to go see the girlfriend, go to work, sleep late and leave the tv and computer game shut off.
So, the dog is quiet this morning, Jake and the girlfriend are still sleeping and I am going to start working on that grass in the flower beds as the lawn is still too damp to mow.