Blue Day

I am having a blue day, no reason so will blame body chemical balance, makes as good a reason as any other one.
Work is going ok, weather has improved, I have gotten some outside work done, finally cleaned out the front north flower bed and moved some day lily shoots there, still a problem finding any plants that will thrive and grow well in that shady corner and will battle the tree roots from the neighbor's tree at that corner.
Jake's sweater is making some progress, and so is the seed I scattered in the back lawn, new grass is coming in and I am hand pulling weeds, a few here, a few there which helps the grass grow.
I need to gather up a load of laundry soon and get it done, need to plan out this Friday's bills to get paid, need to do some cleaning and moving stuff up in the attic so the little love seat has a place to go when I get it paid off Friday and picked up.
I behaved really well with our doll club annual trip down south this past Sunday, gas in the truck, meal out and a small chest of drawers, 2 pair of shoes for Zellie kept my finances in good order, no huge splurges, no putting stuff on my credit card, no buying myself a doll that later I wish I had not put on my credit card.
Now, I need to plan out and make Zellie outfits to go with those new shoes, a pair in pink and a pair in green.  I have plenty of fabrics so just need to hunt through the stash.
Think I have managed to drop a couple of pounds, not very many but enough that work pants are not as snug and I am feeling more healthy, most of the time, being a bit more active.  And today is the first day in several weeks that I woke up feeling stressed and blue.  So, I know, despite today's moodiness, I have made good progress and life is stable for me.

Living my life

I am working on doing just that, living my life my way, being the person I want to be, making the choices for my life that I feel are best for me, for my reasons.
I do see what I need to work on, do know the direction that is best for me and am able to get there, 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time.  Not fast, but progress, not much back sliding and not letting someone derail me.  And it is ok that I do this, my children are all adults and I nave no obligation to a man, no responsibility for a man, and plan to keep it that way.
I interviewed for a job as Administrative Assistant, clerical, in our plant, not sure it will be offered to me, at a pay scale I can accept at this time but I plan to get some schooling in computer software skills that will improve my chances of getting such jobs at an acceptable pay scale.
Like where I work, and with 10+ years, now in hourly management, I have 24+ paid days off, paid sick days, paid holidays to go with those paid vacation days and good medical at a very reasonable cost.  Less than 6 miles a day round trip to work, good working conditions and that paycheck I earn gives me a stable quality of life.
My old house slowly gains improvements, my debt load goes down a bit at a time and I occasionally can afford nonessential things too. Not a bad way to be living, and right now I have 2 paid days off, will be working Saturday, by my choice, and have a doll club meeting that is our annual trip down south, with a bit of spending money for me.
The lawn is mowed, the new grass seed I scattered is coming up so that means the wild birds didn't get all of it eaten, slowly I am gaining on grass and getting more of that sand tied down so it does not track in, getting a property I enjoy living in and know it suits my needs and wants.
Foot and I are getting along most of the time, I am feeling healthier than I did this time last year and more emotionally stable, am happier more than I have been for several years, and my financial position gains a bit of stability a every month, or almost every month.
Less depression, fewer blue days, and a little more energy, all positive things here.  I am actively working on eating more healthy, trying to make time for projects that need finished, getting more organized, again, all good things.
Would like to tell that man out west that he lost the best thing, the best woman that had ever come into his life with his lack of total, true honesty about his finances.  I don't have any ill wishes for him, but do figure he will manage to keep his life messed up, and know his money management skills still stink when collection agencies call my place trying to locate him, and they still do.
Hey, I am not the one with the problems, or at least not being able to accept and deal with being loved, I just don't deal well with being lied to, or anyone trying to play head games with me, or being used.   And I am secure enough to know my weak points, my strong points and know what issues and problems I need to work on.
Life at The Removator's Nighmare is pretty good living, that attic space is slowly shaping up to be a great studio, the south retreat is going to be great and it so very much my space, and some day I will have that very handy bathroom up in that attic space too.
And I will do some classes at the local community college, and I will start every day liking the person I am, and I will end every day knowing I had a good day, maybe not always a great day, no perfect days, but good days in a very good life, my life.

Making some progress

Well, most of the pampas grass has been cleaned up, the grass has been mowed, and Tam has her new/used car.  Progress here, and the river level has dropped but think tonight's rain will raise the river level once again, not good progress on that part.
Work is going ok, longer hours right now as our lead fell in plant and broke her arm and spends time looking a bit like a chicken trussed up for roasting.  The break is in her upper arm and too high for a cast,  so it's a support and arm thing strapping her left arm to her body and making life a real challenge and our very small department short handed.
So, this week I pay off the charge account for the new towels and new sheets, and I pay off the account that goes to my Apple goodies, this iPad, my Apple TV device and my new iPod Touch.
I also pay the phone bill and on my 3 major credit cards, not that those debts get much closer to being paid off but progress is progress.
The printer here will be needing replaced soon, I have plants on my spring wish list and I want to lengthen the bike patio some, all which need money.
Life is working out ok, not how I had thought it would go if I had been asked what I thought my life would be like years ago, but in ways and directions that really do work for me, in ways that I make work and that I choose.
I have knitting and sewing and outside work needing done, but the laundry is washed, and I will get it  put away, the dishes will get done and the rains will end and I will get outside work done.  All positive progress.

rains today

And I know the rains are needed, and it is not cold, I have a dry roof and so can sit on my dormer landing and watch the rain and the birds in my back yard/lawn.  The grass is really growing, along with the weeds but I have started clean up, the plum tees are almost dead so they come out this spring and I need to get the pampas grass cut back down to the ground before the new growth is coming up.
Jake turns 24 today, he is having a wet work day at the area live stock sale and I have split pea soup on for him and will make corn bread, both foods he likes and will be nice to come home to a meal waiting, no matter how late he has to work.
I did have windows open up in the attic but they are closed now and the box fan going to move the air about some, both baseboard heaters are shut off now and heat downstairs needs turned down to 70, it has been at 72 all winter.
Current socks are for me and getting close to done, working on Jake's sweater and will have a lot of sock yarn left from that once I am done, I got a bit carried away with calculations and so ordered about double what it will take. good thing it is sock yarns we will enjoy, think Jake will have several pair of those socks.
Working on scheduling my vacation days for the coming 'year' at work, runs from June 1 to May 31 and I have 24 or 25 days total and have turned in forms for 10 of those days but have not heard back if all the dates are ok and on the book.  I need to schedule at least 10 more and then have 4-5 free to use as needed.
I did schedule 1 for my July mammogram appointment and should plan for the pap smear in January as it is already scheduled.
Little boxes for the doll club event are done and I have that Friday off so can help with the set up stuff, am looking forward to the event but do not plan much if any spending, I need to keep finances tight here so I can meet all my expenses and still find some funds for more drywall.
I do think what Jake and I got done is an improvement and will help with the utility costs plus help keep the attic spaces easier to keep clean and it does look better.
I need to get both the scooters going, new one needs a new battery, I let that freeze, lazy and thought I could get it later.   And the other needs new fuel lines and the carb taken off and cleaned, some new parts put in, can thank a man for some of those problems but instead just moved my bikes and book and such to my place and covered the older one.  I need a cover for the new scooter and that is on the list of stuff that needs funds too.
Working on some of my 'head issues' here, less stress now that Ben has moved out and a much quieter house and easier to keep clean, Jake mentioned it is easier to keep food in the house and less cost.  Hopefully my finances will start getting in better order too, I have less depression spending when I have less stress and having that almost 28 year old son here, living off me, bringing his pot into my house and thinking I won't find out, adding to the mess and not helping enough with the cleaning, ya, stuff that adds to stress.
Jake is missing his company some but doesn't want the pot in his life and he doesn't want to be supporting his older brother who is too lazy to work.
Hard, but part of the problem and not of my doing, and I can't fix it.  It is time for both Jake and I to step back and work on our own lives and our own problems.  Ben will have to find his own road and his own way, not something we can do for him and the longer we help carry his weight, the longer he will avoid supporting himself long term, or living under a bridge or in a box.  People do have the right to make that choice and I will let them live with the choices they make, including the bad ones. 
There is a limit to the charity I am willing to do in this world, and supporting adults who are capable of supporting themselves is not a charity I donate to for very long.

this old house and life

The attic needs a small fortune to be finished, a lot of drywall yet to buy and install, lights, and a bathroom that will cost a lot to do right, downstairs needs a lot done and will be years before I can get much done, and there are still 2 windows to replace, 2 doors to deal with, no back steps, no patio and the front porch steps need a lot of work.
My finances are a tight budget and way too many bills, I get discouraged at how slow my debt loads are going down and how little I have in savings and how many things still need paid sitting on my computer desk.
And then I get home from work to a message on the answering machine, a collection agency looking for Michael R Farrin, wanting to contact him about money owed.
Somehow, the slow progress here on old house repairs and attic conversion, the cracked plaster in the bathroom, the sagging ceiling tiles in the bedroom, the debt load that won't shrink very fast all gets a lot smaller and not so bad after all.
No one is getting calls from collection agencies looking for me and money for bills I have not paid. I might not have a lot to show for the years of working but I do have an acceptable credit rating and am getting the debt load to drop a bit every month.
So, maybe things here are not as bad as I see them at times, it is my own house and it is my own life, and I manage to keep it in enough balance that the collection agencies aren't hunting me down or bugging other people because if my debts.

High price of doll patterns

I can make my own but don't have a lot of play time and do want to sew for a couple dolls I have 1 or no patterns for and balk at paying $12.99 for a pattern that is not even a good fit and has design flaws or issues I need to tweak to get the garment to look good.
So, I will whine a bit and try a lower priced pattern designed by someone not as well known and see how it works up, I am just wanting pants and a shirt for a male doll, not some elaborate costume and I would like a few basic pattern pieces for another doll I bought nude at a very low price.
My coming 4 day weekend will be spent with old house work, I hope to start putting the drywall up in my attic space, bought the drywall lift almost 2 weeks ago, it is still in my truck, think budget will allow 8-10 sheets of drywall and that will get a lot of the ceiling areas and start on those slants that my steep roof creates.
I hope to slowly get the area drywalled and then will be even slower with the taping and muddying, and no longer have tools for that so get to add to the cost.
But I do have a sewing area and I did have some fun sewing for 1 of my dolls this past snow bound Sunday and things will improve.

Not enough shelf space, plenty of books

The past 2 weekend have put book shelves here in my attic space, both in the north sewing/ studio space and in the small space/ nook created behind the future bathroom, which divides the 24x29 foot area into the north studio area and the south 'nest' area which is my current sleeping place while the youngest son lives here and gets started on his college.
I put books on shelves, unboxed more books, put books on shelves, sorted out a few for the library, gave a duplicate to that son here, gave 1 to the maint guy at work who shows me photos of his scroll saw work, knew my scroll saw book had a good home with Stevie.   And I still have books in boxes, and I still have way more stuff than I can find room for here in my attic space.
There are 3 boxes of cotton crochet thread that will go to 1 of our local thrift shops, the hammock that will go to someone I know, and I tucked a few things out of the way and my sewing space is still a mess.
It will get better, I will do some sorting, think some, thin out a bit more and think where else I can put shelves, and what books am I really willing to part with.
I am having a problem today seeing any progress I have made in dealing with my attic disaster area, know all that work, money and time had to make a dent but right now I just cannot see where I have made any progress.
But it is time for work, to earn the money that pays for everything, including all the drywall I want to start putting up before my ceiling insulation falls down.  And maybe when I come home I can look around and see the progress today's work made.